Thursday, 26 April 2012


Plod in the car park and 
Plod on the stairs, 
Plod on the landing,
Sitting on chairs;
Hoping to find them
A witness, or more,
To the bad altercation
Last night by the door.
We heard people shouting
At each other with hate,
Couldn't make out the words, 
The hour was quite late;
Then screams and some crying
As one person snapped,
The blood-spattered floor
Could attest to that fact.
Yes, it was all go this morning,
Lots of Plod all around,
But I think they'll find no-one
Saw a thing or heard a sound...

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

TUESDAY 23 04 2012

I went to the dentist. It was awful. I was expecting to have a tooth taken out on the left side. I hate injections so I was pretty tense. The dentist lowered the chair back til I was almost horizontal and began.

She held the needle up and then pulled my lip back. But she was doing it on the right!!! I felt the panic start. I tried to breathe but I couldn't. Against my own volition I was grabbing the dentist's arm, trying to pull the needle out.

The assistant grabbed my arm gently to stop me.
"Just breathe, it won't be long," the dentist kept saying. 
I tried but my body wasn't having it. I was up on my heels and shoulders trying to push myself off the top of the chair. I was having a flashback!

With a tremendous effort of will, I made myself breathe deeply, stopped struggling, but could not let go of her - the dentist's - arm til the needle was out.

It turned out I was not having the tooth out that time but a tiny filling on the right. re-action set in as she was doing the filling, I started to giggle uncontrollably. Then I actually dozed off for a minute and had to shake myself awake. 

I was so glad to get out of there...

Friday, 6 April 2012


2012 is the year of the Dragon, my Chinese birth sign. It has been a year of intense change for me. Dean finally went over the edge and started trying to kill me. Many times in the first three months I found myself fending him off with a knife or the household scissors. his drinking got worse, as did his attitude. He just would not accept that he and I were over as a couple.
On the 29th January Dean said he was going to kill me, but that he would bugger me first! I slept holding the scissors that night. Two days later it came to a head. There was an argument and Dean threw me to the floor. I went to sit in my room. My bed is on the floor, which is how I prefer to sleep.
The next half-hour is hazy except for the kicks. Dean was shouting he was going to kill me, then he burst into my room and started kicking me with his steel-toe-capped Doc Martens'. I tried to fight him off but I was on the floor and he just kept kicking me. He went into the other room and started smashing stuff again, muttering to himself and getting himself worked back up.
 I took advantage of this brief respite to grab my phone and dial 999. Dean heard me speak and rushed in., He then managed to land several kicks to my ribs as I held the phone. Then he launched himself on me, trying to wrench the phone from my hands.
I kept hold of the phone and got the information across. When Dean realised this he got off me, kicked me a few more times, then got his coat and put it on, standing outside my open door. he was going to leave to avoid the police. He looked at me with venomous hatred and started to move towards me, I thought he wanted to finish me off, by the look on his face and the position of his hands. He looked as if he was going to strangle me.  Just as he moved towards me there was a sharp rap on the door.
"Open up! Police!" - a neighbour had called the police on account of the screaming and shouting.
Dean then visibly replaced his expression to amiable and answered the door. I was in my room in pain and in shock. Dean and the PC went into the living room, which was a complete shambles from Dean attempting to break everything breakable in the whole flat.
I could hear Dean coming out with his fantasy Idea of what I'D done and his natural reaction to it! I was gobsmacked at the vile shit he said about me to the Policeman in order to justify his actions. The PC had called another car and the other police came and took Dean away. The PC then interviewed me.
 I told him the truth, that I's stopped being Dean's partner two years previously as he kept hitting me. I had carried on being his carer, and we did occasionally sleep together, maybe three or four times in that two years. There was also the band to consider - Criminal Suicide Limited was and is, in my opinion the best thing since sliced bread.
The fact that Dean is a genius but was never recognised as such by his family is the main reason he went mad, my rejection of him as a man finished him off. but what could I do. One cannot sustain sexual attraction through fear.
The PC insisted on calling an ambulance because I had severe pain in my ribs.  Thank god he did. I was so shocked and upset I would probably have just gone to bed. If I had just gone to bed i would have died. I had broken ribs and a punctured lung. Luckily it was a small puncture, but if I hadn't gone to hospital I would have ended up with a collapsed lung and probably have died. Died alone amid the debris of my life.
I was in hospital for three days and pretty incapacitated by pain and painkillers for quite a while afterwards. I could not clear up the mess because of my ribs, though I tried and suffered for it.
I could not stand it! A friend in Bristol - David Smith - suggested I come to his, straight away. I had been wanting to move to Bristol for a while and I was too scared to go out where I was, because Dean was out on bail, and staying with his parents just half a mile from me.
I got my Incapacity Benefit on the Friday 2nd March and bought a ticket to Bristol - one way - for the following Monday.
I was free of the fear at last! Another guy offered to share his flat with me until I got housed - Tony Ford - one of nature's true gentlemen. I am now awaiting a meeting next Thursday with a resettlement/support officer who will help me to get housed.
I am happy. I haven't been happy before and I have to say that I like it! A life with only ordinary stress - Yes, that's for me. :)