DO IT NOW!!!

I did an online test to see if I still had depression.  I have weaned myself off Prozac over the last few months and am at sixes and sevens as to my condition. Sluggish is a good description, so I did the test. This is what I got:-

Major Depression: High

Dysthymia: Very High

Bipolar Disorder: Extremely High

Cyclothymia: High

Seasonal Affective Disorder: Slight-Moderate

I don't know what Dysthymia or Cyclothymia are so I guess I'll look them up.

As all of us with mental health issues know, there is no help for us from the NHS. Mental health units have been closing all over, so what to do?  Well, I have studied psychology, mostly child psychology, so I have a grounding - I'm gonna have to help myself.  

Apathy is my main enemy and one I have recently started to take on. I want to do things but have a problem ACTUALLY doing them. "I'll do that in a minute," is a constant refrain in my mind; of course that 'minute' seldom comes.  So I've started telling myself sternly to "DO IT NOW!" And I'm trying to make myself complete one task at a time., otherwise I have lots of half finished tasks on my hands, which leads to frustration and more apathy. 

Today my outdoor task is to go to the loan shop and borrow some cash, get some shopping and put £30 in bank to cover outgoings. I'm hoping the DWP sort my money out by next week or I'm up the creek without a paddle, in a sinking boat with only a colander to bail me out... 

However, I'll worry about that next week if I have to. I am not allowing myself to worry about things I can't do anything about. For now I have to print a bank statement and go get some cash.

Guess I'd better DO IT NOW!!!

:)

FIRST BLOG AFTER GIVING UP PROZAC

I decided a couple of months ago to give up Prozac. I'd had some blood tests and although I was clear of all the nasties, there appeared to be a question on anaemia. But I have a good diet, I thought, why would I be anaemic? I decided to do some research.

I went through all the various things that could cause anaemia. I found out that Prozac, or Fluoxetine, can cause the lining and walls of the intestines to become thin. I sometimes take ant-inflammatories which irritate me too. Together this could cause bleeding and, hence, anaemia. I decided to give up the Prozac. For a month I cut down from two to one 500mg capsules per day, Then I cut to one every two days, then every three, then stopped.

I didn't have any problems with withdrawal, except for sweats. I still get the odd one. I found myself very tired after a couple of weeks without the Prozac, and my output and concentration were down, even for me. I couldn't understand why. My PTSD meant I had now forgotten all about the Prozac. But I was worried about the anaemia. I drank stout for the iron and had red wine instead of white, ate lots of garlic. I stopped taking the anti-inflammatories and took codeine instead. But without the Prozac in my bloodstream the codeine did not make me speed, as it used to, it made me more tired. 

I have had four appointments with my doctor over the last six weeks, none of which I have managed to attend as yet. So I have done all of this without medical supervision. I guess I'm rather pleased with myself.

Ok, so I still have a lot of problems, but I feel more alive too, rather than one step removed from life.

I think I can do this life thing at last, do it myself. This makes me happy. 

FISHY COFFEE?

Yesterday I poached salmon in a pint of milk, which I strained and used to make mushroom and spring onion sauce. There was about a quarter of a pint of the hot milk left. 


I picked up the jug with the hot poaching milk in it to empty it. Then I thought, 'No! Don't throw it away! Its hot milk. Put it in coffee.' 


Pleased with myself. I returned to the sauce, stirring it til it thickened. I ran through the recipe mentally as I did so... 


A light bulb went on in my head (and, funnily enough, it was slow like the new type). 


'OH MY GOD!!!' I realised what I was planning for the poaching milk, 'I was gonna make COFFEE with it!!!' 


I quickly grabbed the jug of milk and emptied it down the sink in order to avoid this error permanently. 
Phew! That was close!

BRUE LIZRA

I went to the corner shop the other morning for some cigarette papers. (I know, I'm giving up tobacco, but I still like the odd spliff.) I had a few pipes in order to face outside and toddled off on my quest. 

"Blue Rizla" I kept repeating to myself, "Blue Rizla." 

I got to the shop; so far so good...  "Blue Rizla."
Then I got distracted by four Andrex rolls for £1.99. I stopped to pick a pack up, noticed a large bottle of Fairy liquid for £1.29 and got that too.  I was pleased with my bargains and the fact that I was relaxed and not at all anxious. 

As I put my shopping on the counter, I remembered the Blue Rizla that I needed and tried to ask for it.

"Can I have some brue..." 

 I smiled and tried again, " A pack of brue..." 
I couldn't say blue!!!

My mouth wanted to say Brue Lizra! I giggled remembering the old joke. 

"Erm, brue..."  

"Brue..."  

"Brue..." 

The woman serving was just looking at me with incomprehension. I gesticulated at the cigarette papers with both hands saying, weakly, "Brue?!

She laughed as she finally understood and got me the papers. 
:)

SHELL LIFE by C.A. Jones 2012

Inside the shell, 
Behind the hard outer casing, 
Lies the vulnerable flesh; 
The soft,
Easily damaged
Core. 
Inside the shell, 
Safe from harm,
Til you open the door.
And open the door 
You must, because
Inside the shell
Is emptiness,
Cold comfort,
Loneliness.
And,
To be alive,
You need more.

CODE OF SILENCE by C.A. Jones

Plod in the car park and 

Plod on the stairs, 

Plod on the landing,

Sitting on chairs;

Hoping to find them

A witness, or more,

To the bad altercation

Last night by the door.

We heard people shouting

At each other with hate,

Couldn't make out the words, 

The hour was quite late;

Then screams and some crying

As one person snapped,

The blood-spattered floor

Could attest to that fact.

Yes, it was all go this morning,

Lots of Plod all around,

But I think they'll find no-one

Saw a thing or heard a sound...

TUESDAY 23 04 2012

I went to the dentist. It was awful. I was expecting to have a tooth taken out on the left side. I hate injections so I was pretty tense. The dentist lowered the chair back til I was almost horizontal and began.


She held the needle up and then pulled my lip back. But she was doing it on the right!!! I felt the panic start. I tried to breathe but I couldn't. Against my own volition I was grabbing the dentist's arm, trying to pull the needle out.


The assistant grabbed my arm gently to stop me.
"Just breathe, it won't be long," the dentist kept saying. 
I tried but my body wasn't having it. I was up on my heels and shoulders trying to push myself off the top of the chair. I was having a flashback!


With a tremendous effort of will, I made myself breathe deeply, stopped struggling, but could not let go of her - the dentist's - arm til the needle was out.


It turned out I was not having the tooth out that time but a tiny filling on the right. re-action set in as she was doing the filling, I started to giggle uncontrollably. Then I actually dozed off for a minute and had to shake myself awake. 


I was so glad to get out of there...